The Best Scary Movies to Watch Based on Your Astrological Sign

It’s that beautiful time of year, when Horror Fanatics like myself get to strut our stuff and gush over all things scary. October is the one time of the year my mad devotion to the macabre and the horrifying seems almost appropriate.

For Quarantween this year, movie marathons are the safe and responsible way to celebrate Halloween. But how do you navigate the sea of options available to you? How do you know what will wet your whistle, and what will suck the joy right out of you?

Why, the stars, of course! The answer is always in the stars!

Think of this as a Halloween horoscope for scary movies. Enjoy!

Aries (March 21st — April 19th)

  1. Army of Darkness — Really, you’d probably be happy with either this or Evil Dead 2, but this camp classic goes just a bit harder.
  2. Dawn of the Dead (2004 remake) — There is no preamble; the action begins immediately!
  3. Friday the 13thYou’ll appreciate the simplistic format and steady pace of this classic teen slasher.

Taurus (April 20th — May 20th)

  1. Crimson Peak — Dark and seductive, this modern haunted house film has a (nearly) suffocating Victorian atmosphere.
  2. Bram Stoker’s Dracula — The iconic adaptation of the novel. Who doesn’t love a sexy vampire?
  3. Rebecca — Hitchcock’s adaptation of the Daphne du Maurier gothic novel is one of his best movies. Dark and creepy; plus its got a happy ending (sort of).

Gemini (May 21st — June 20th)

  1. The Rocky Horror Picture Show (live) — You might have performed in one of these. If not, you’ll still get a kick out of the audience participation. For Quarantween, watch with friends online!
  2. The Faculty — Teachers are basically from another planet.
  3. Scream — Wes Craven’s modern classic that revitalized the slasher genre. You’ll love the fast pace and the introspective nature of this movie.

Cancer (June 21st — July 22nd)

  1. Beetlejuice — Ghosts, ghouls, and Catherine O’Hara. It’s showtime!
  2. Coraline — Based on Neil Gaiman’s book by the same name, this stop-motion family film is a spooky delight!
  3. Anna and the Apocalypse — It’s a zombie movie. No, it’s a Christmas movie…wait, it’s a musical? It’s all those things!

BONUS! Over The Garden Wall — This is not a movie. It’s a Cartoon Network miniseries with autumnal, Halloween vibes and a lot of heartwarming moments that will probably only make you cry a little.

Leo (July 23rd — August 22nd)

  1. The Grudge (2004 remake) — This American remake of Takashi Shimizu’s Ju-On retains a lot of the straight-to-video film’s charm.
  2. Paranormal Activity 3 — While being the third in a horror series doesn’t usually bode well, this installment of the franchise has some of the best jump scares.
  3. The Strangers — Just a good, old fashioned vacation-story gone horribly wrong.

Virgo (August 23rd — September 22nd)

  1. The Witch — This dark New England fairy tale takes “detail-oriented” to the extreme; you will probably need to watch this one more than once to absorb everything.
  2. The Orphanage — A Spanish supernatural horror story that centers around a woman trying to buy the orphanage in which she was raised.
  3. A Dark Song — What could be worse than summoning demons to exact revenge upon the people who killed your son? Summoning angels, apparently.

Libra (September 23rd — October 22nd)

Luckily, I can narrow it down keeping a few things in mind: us Libras are ruled by love, beauty, and intellectualism. The only thing we like more than sounding smart is looking smart. We gravitate to the critically acclaimed and the arthouse classics.

  1. Alien — One of the most acclaimed films in the horror genre, everything from the set design to the music is intended to terrify.
  2. A Girl Walks Home Alone at Night — Marketed as “the first Iranian vampire Western,” this genre-blending modern classic from Ana Lily Amirpour is a must-see.
  3. The Host — From the incredible Bong Joon-ho, The Host balances political commentary, creature feature, and comedy effortlessly.

Scorpio (October 23rd — November 21st)

  1. Ringu — The movie that popularized J-horror across the globe and inspired an American remake whose success led to several other Western adaptations (The Grudge, Pulse, etc.). A spooky ghost story with big detective energy.
  2. Suspiria (1977) — Dario Argento’s cult classic centers around a ballet academy that is anything but normal. You would probably enjoy the 2018 remake as well.
  3. The Autopsy of Jane Doe — A simple autopsy becomes sinister very quickly.

Sagittarius (November 22nd — December 21st)

  1. Get Out — A perfect balance of horror and action, this thematically poignant film from Jordan Peele seamlessly weaves social critique into each scare, and still manages to be effortlessly funny.
  2. Battle Royale — In this slasher dystopia, misbehaving students are pitted against each other in a fight to the death.
  3. The Cabin in the Woods — Introspective and charming, this horror movie also functions as a commentary on the genre.

Capricorn (December 22nd — January 19th)

  1. The Silence of the Lambs — This modern classic has not one, but two serial killers! What a bargain!
  2. Halloween — An iconic October treat from John Carpenter about an escaped killer on the hunt in the suburbs.
  3. Misery — This psychological thriller from Rob Reiner is based on the Stephen King book by the same name. “I’m your biggest fan” has never been more menacing.

Aquarius (January 20th — February 18th)

  1. Death Bed: The Bed That Eats — Called “a major classic in the what-were-they-thinking school of horror,” this low-budget 70’s horror film is exactly what the title says it is: it’s a bed, and it eats.
  2. Vampire’s Kiss — This Nicolas Cage vehicle was a box office flop, but has become a cult favorite. It is also the originator of, like, all the memes.
  3. Troll 2 — While not actually a sequel to the 1986 fantasy film Troll, this weird movie is also the subject of a documentary (Best Worst Movie). It is bizarre, surreal, and highly quotable.

Pisces (February 19th — March 20th)

  1. Let the Right One In — This Swedish take on vampirism mixes scares with intelligent storytelling.
  2. The Others — A modern ghost story. Perhaps a bit predictable, but it maintains a soulfulness (ha) throughout.
  3. Pontypool — A unique zombie movie, where most of the violence happens off screen, which in my opinion, only makes it more poignant.

Queerdo. Writer. Gamer. Witchy. She/They. https://linktr.ee/eewchristman

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